It's amazing how an off the cuff comment can become a storm, nay a cyclone in a teacup. What's truly incredible is how self-serving people are when it comes to proffering help to others. It seems to me there's a whole lot o' righteous judgment with very little care to whether or not the help proffered is appropriate, let alone needed or wanted. Help from family particularly, often seems to be a way for the helper to feel better, superior, the right to judge over, or some form of ownership of the person being helped. Parents who are now grandparents I'm looking at you.
Here's the rub, some of us 'drug ourselves up' in one way or another and with siblings to boot, thus we have little respect for some of our parents particular choices, I do believe they did the best they could at the time, yet I will not give them credit where it is not due. This leaves us with what we feel is no decent role model, from here we have no choice but to teach ourselves ways of living, behaving and parenting which we believe will be best for our children and that we are happy with in a moral and ethical fashion. Morals and ethics I myself feel I had to carve out for myself with few role models or direction given from those areas where a child should be able to expect it.
The other side of this sword is of course, that when you come along telling us how badly we are doing (especially when your parenting experiences are as nothing to mine - that's right NOTHING! I'm sorry but 3 or 4 kids spread out over 10-20 years is vastly different to 4 kids with no more than 6 years the largest gap and twins to boot) when we have not passed judgment upon your ridiculous decisions, some of which have left us with lasting sh*t to deal with, but have said, ah but they did the best they could, as do we all. After all, we are not our parents and have no idea what life was like for them when we were babies. Yet if we were to behave as they do not as they say, we would have vocally passed judgment, or gotten up on our high horses demanding that the help you need is this help. And here we find ourselves, being unfairly accused of incompetent and neglectful parenting (admittedly this is not the exact words used, but that is how it is received by us) by people who have barely deigned to call, let alone visit this past seven months. But then perhaps it should have been me making the contact. After all, I've hardly been busy what with my 6 and 4 year olds complemented by twins who were born in march. Naturally. Who I breastfed til 4 months. One with colic, the other a sleeper. No, I can't imagine why I haven't just picked up the telephone every week and given them a blow by blow update of the insanity surviving the first six months has been. But then if I had would they have just acted grossly irrationally sooner?
To put this in context, a rarely seen but close by family lines family member, has taken it upon themselves to seek assistance for us. At this point we are not sure if that is 'seeking assistance' or 'siccing the authorities on' that remains to be ascertained. Nonetheless, this loved one, and numerous others, who are between 200 and 1000 km away and thus not have been in a position to offer hands on support, have decided that they know how to fix everything, oh and clearly that it needs fixing. Now, ironically about a month ago, we may not have argued, but no help was forthcoming at that point from that direction at least. So we soldiered on with the support we have here, the we way do. To not call any of us - not even the bigger kids to interrogate them is, however one of the lowest acts. Not being able to get hold of us is no excuse. We do not spend our entire time gone from the house or asleep. Clearly we are not luddites either and are contactable through means other than a landline, say a mobile or email.
Some of the little coven that gathered have even been given my families numbers so could even have called them to check and instigate some real help. But of course, it isn't about helping at all...it's about judgement, superiority and self-satisfaction. Perception of us is also tied up in this ridiculousness. I am aware that those involved do not necessarily consider me particularly intelligent - no skin off my nose generally, I know my skills and strengths - however, when their actions have the result of making me look incapable of opening even a phone book, let alone using that big strange thing called google, it offends me. I spent 25 weeks of my pregnancy knowing I was having twins and in that time I found out that they are absolutely not considered multiples by the Australian government when it comes to assistance offered such as home help and financial assistance. We were just lucky that we have four now so qualify for the large family packages instead - no home help, but a little more money than if we only had three. To access any of that assistance you have to have had three or more. When things were really bad, one of my GPs put together the forms with a letter heavying the local nurses in the hope that, should we really need it, we could pressure them into allowing me to access at least some of that assistance. I asked her to sit on it for a couple of weeks and we managed to pull through on our own. Beyond which, a major facet of my last job was directing people to appropriate help, it was what I was paid to do and I did it well, with invitations to work on a job by job basis if I felt it fitted with my family. I am exceedingly good at accessing assistance in various forms, even when it is not particularly well known, I do not need help researching the fact that twins are not considered multiples.
Which brings back to my title, the supposed help proffered has nothing to do with help. It is to do with those offering it choosing to make us aware of their judgment over us, to make it once again clear that I will never be an adequate choice for their beloved (whom the main offenders can barely show any love towards), and to make themselves feel all fuzzy and warm and superior. Naturally should we end up ever taking up any of this 'help', I can only imagine we will be beholden for a long time to come. Hearteningly, the people we have spoken to up here, you know the ones that are actually aware of our situation and have, let me think now...helped, are horrified, appalled and completely at a loss to understand why things seem to have taken this turn. Our beautiful Canadian friend said: Oh you don't need that! It's as if they're shouting You. Are. A. Bad. Parent.
Now her opinion I value, as she not only has four kids as well, but they are very, very close together, so she has an appreciation, if not understanding of what life is like for us. And she's been very (here's that word again) helpful...her littlest loves playing with my Bouncing Bean and when the lilyins were very little she took the Bean for many a play, both giving me a break and Bean something other than being stuck at boring old home with boring old mum and the babes. In fact, everyone around us - school parents, playgroup parents, neighbours, family and friends have been wonderful, we've been given clothes and gates and other useful things. People have cooked meals for us, come and cleaned my house, nursed the babies so I could stand up and stretch my legs for a second. And these are the people who are shocked and horrified. The reality is that the first 6 months are the hardest with twins, especially in Australia where the powers that be don't count them as multiples. If we had had triplets there would be nappy services and other practical assistance, financial aid and other helpful things. But there have not been, there have been kind, caring and compassionate family, friends, neighbours, playgroup and school mums who have helped. Without judgement or expectation as they have been here to see and hear about the insanity that having the lowest number of multiples.
Next time you offer help to somebody - ask yourself before you do if you are really doing it for them, and if it is appropriate and/or wanted help.
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